I've never really hated anyone, but for the last few weeks I've come to hate this guy. I've never really known what it means to hate someone, but now I do, and I can't stand myself because of it. I have my reasons for hating this guy, even though I've never met him. I hate him not for who he is, but for what he stands for. It's like there's this wall I just can't climb.

All my ambitions, dreams, hopes, dellusions, seem to all escape me for now-- and that's why I hate this guy. I guess I don't hate "him", but the things he's come to symbolize: my inability to climb, my weaknesses, my failures, my flaws. Even though things are going well for me in many respects, some would say the most important ways, I just don't feel fulfilled. I feel empty, drained. This guy, he's the opposite. He's mister perfect, full of energy, success, charm, strength, he's the perfect guy. I know he's got flaws though, but that's not what's important. What's important is my inability to see these flaws, to realize them, to believe that they exist, because like I said, I've never even met the guy.

So, like I've always believed, hate is rooted in fear; in this case my fear that I won't be able to get past this wall, but this guy is already there smiling, not laughing of course, because afterall he is mister perfect.

I especially hate this guy so much because he makes me hate myself. I can't stand it any longer. It's not like I want to do anything to this guy (yeah right), I just want to prove to him that he won't ever have what I have (or had). He won't ever measure up to me. He won't ever duplicate me, nor surpass me in the grand scheme of it all. He may be behind this wall now, but wait till I finish my climb, and kick his ass-- and trust me I will finish this climb, and believe me when I say that in some respects I've already proven myself better.

Several years ago, I was at the beach with several of my "cousins" and friends. I was walking on the pier with one of my cousins, when this guy out of no where began to accuse us of "polluting the ocean". He yelled that he swims among syringes because of people like us. We didn't take notice of him, but he continued his outbursts. Others in our group who had been scattered began to coalesce around this guy, who was obviously drunk.

The drunkard continued with his tirade, and some of the more willing responded to his criticism. If that happened today, the group of guys that were with me at the time would have probably thrown him off the pier. But not then. Instead, the girls in the group said something of biblical proportions. I don't remember what they said, but at the time many people were going through this "Christian" stage. So lets just say they responded in a saintly fashion.

What I do remember was the drunkard's reply, "ohhh GO hide behind your Bibles". I've thought about this for a while now, and have realized that that is exactly what we were doing. Instead of throwing the drunkard off the pier, we allowed ourselves to be restrained with this belief that doing so would be "un-christian like". These sorts of things had continually restrained us from living freely.

Everything, from feeling true hatred, pain, love, and freedom had been restrained by this vague line between "christian-like" and "un-christian-like". I hear all the time "Christians" saying that the "Christian bubble" is a "myth"... It's true, its not a bubble but a prison burried in a deep cave, and when that's all you know for your entire life, its easy to confuse restraints with freedom, hypocrysy with truth, love for hate, pain for pleasure... If it were a bubble, it would be easy to pop and suddenly be free. But its not easy.

Many of the guys (and some girls) that I grew up have left that prison, and entered a world completely unequipped (or unrestrained). They live wildly, regret, feel guilt, and continue their mediocre lives. In the end their "Christian" upbringing wasn't a very good one.

So, let us stop hiding behind our bibles, let us make our own choices, live with the consequences, and finally be enabled to be happy or capable of completely destroying ourselves.