It's hours before the day; hours before the rest of my life is decided; hours before either possible futures disappear or manifest-- and I can't seem to clear my mind and study any longer. The GRE is killing me. Graduate school is killing me.

I am so lost in my own head that I can't even write it all down. So much just want's to jump out and put itself out in the world, but in no particular order. So here it is. The chaos I'm going through right now. Nothing seems to be right or wrong. I'm completely discouraged, but at the same time extremely hopeful. I'm completely lonely, but at the same time surrounded by people who would help if they could. On top of that, everything around me is on fire--literally-- and no one or thing can save me. I'm choking from the smoke, and continue inhaling it because I'll pass out if I hold my breath any longer.

Out of all the days I've spent contemplating the different ways my life could have turnd out, I never would have imagined this. I have everything going for me, except for time and space. I'm too smart to be dellusional, but too hopeful to be realistic. I hate facing this ugly reality, this inferno in my head and world. 

Let it all burn, and finally be over. 

I know who now. It's me. No one else but me. Every step I take, I realize more and more that I control my destiny. Not my past, not who other's think I am. But who I think I am.