Georg Simmel over one hundred years ago wrote in his work The Metropolis of Modern Life that the individual for the last two hundred years has resisted being "swallowed up in the social-technological mechanism."  Rather than make universal claims, I'll stick to participant observations. 

For the last six months, I have fought this beast that has lured me in by its promise of happiness, and inevitably I have found myself in the belly of the beast gasping for inspiration. Sunlight is nowhere to be found, and weekdays consist of  unilluminating, gray and dark surroundings. Dreams escape me, and mechanical banality, like clockwork, is unavoidable.

I once found a breath of life in the green grass that prickled the bottom of my sole.  Now all I walk on is pavement- devoid of life completely, soulless. I wear leather shoes that conceal my feet entirely, and my Rainbows are hundreds of miles away.

Solace is found only when I seize to feel at all, of course the weekend, and only what is truly beautiful--and yes that is you.

Some look to their favorite poison to escape reality, to escape the monotony of their own existence. Instead, I sit and mix metaphors and analogies, play with words, and wonder if anyone noticed. I reach towards something else, but am enthralled by the very thorns that give me pleasure and pain. Perhaps reaching in itself is the primordial end that us city dwellers all strive for and the means by which we escape the beast. Yes, again the careful reader will understand the circular nature of this beast, and hence the dilemma.

A silence that pierces your ears, that makes you deaf, that makes you want to shout and cry out just to shatter it-- shatter it to bits, making it impossible to replicate.

I hate this silence, this placidness, emptiness, void of intrussion. Worse yet is its culprit, regret, and autophobia.

I want noise. I want to hear, to listen, to have an apartment full of whispers, full of life-- to be able to hear the sweet sounds of those you love, to hear their voices, or to just hear them breathe.

I hate it. Yet hope remains that tomorrow there still might be a chance that the silence may be broken. 

“I would hope that a wise Latina woman with the richness of her experiences would more often than not reach a better conclusion than a white male who hasn’t lived that life,” - Sotomayor

Every week I send out a bunch of resumes and individualized cover letters that highlight my unique talents, and in return--if I'm lucky-- I'll get a reply apologyzing for the vast amount of qualified candidates. They omit the part about how much better these "qualified candidates" are.  

After a while, say the last year, it gets pretty depressing (hence the true meaning of an economic depression) and you start doubting whether or not you are as good, at whatever it is you do, as you thought you were. Interestingly, I've noticed that men seem to take it the worst. Men, in many ways historically and culturally determined, are suppossed to be the bread winners, the providers of security. Nonetheless, what's a man suppossed to do when he can't even get a job at Barnes and Noble stakcing books on shelves. With analyst now showing that unemployment rates among men a full 2%+ above women, after a while you may start doubting your self-worth.

But, in line with my New Year's resolution, there's a bright side. With a bunch of indicators of an economic recovery on the horizon, such as unemployment numbers plateuing and the possibility of finally reachig the bottom of this mortgage meltdown with loans begining to reset, there is hope. So what are you to do? What is that one thing that will make you more then just a needle in a haystack.

The truth is, there really aren't any easy solutions and fix-all panaceas. If I had one, I'd be employed at my dream job right now. I do have some advice though. First, you should do all that you can to make that resume impressive. Make it esthetically pleasing, informative and functional. A resume is a quick, yet thorough synopsis of your professional and in some cases academic history. Second, apply everywhere you think your talents might make you a valuable contributor. It doesn't hurt to play a numbers game, even if you think your chances aren't too good at scoring that job. Third, research your employer. It helps to know something about the company, and mentioning it in your cover letter. All your cover letters shoul be individualized. Start off with a basic template, and modify as needed. Fourth, follow up on your submissions. Send a second email reiterating your interest in the company and available position. Don't sound desperate, but rather motivated and interested. And if you get that interview be prepared for it.

However, aside from all of this, you may just need to do some soul searching. The one thing that will make you stand out is if you can demonstrate your passion and drive. You want that person reading that cover letter, and examining your resume to truly believe what you are saying. Nothing will come across as sincere, frankly, if its not a job you want. You have to really-really... want it. That makes things tough. Often times, if you're fresh out of school, you may not really know what you want to do for the next two-three years. You just want a job, to move out of mom and dad's house, and finally have that independence you've been yearning for. Sadly, you won't get a particular job, if you don't know if you really want it.

All one needs to do is stand back a bit, squint, let the world blur, and like an illusion in a 3 dimensional picture, they'll begin to see the supernatural; even though nothing has changed and the same world stares back at them. 

The supernatural is every where, it's just hidden in plain sight. It's right there in front of you when you watch a sunset, feel the grass in between your toes, and find yourself thinking, feeling and in the world.

08/07/03

-Not about roaches-

Damn Roaches everywhere. Everywhere I look I see them crawling on me. I go to war with them every night. But no matter how many of them die, they always seem to come back and fight. They haunt me, patronize me, look me straight in the eyes and just laugh. Funny how such little things could change and sometimes ruin your life instantly.

Yesterday I killed one, hey it's a start . I slammed the broom over it's head and squeezed the life out of it's tiny little heart. But even after it was dead, with it's limbs severed from it's body, it still managed to twitch for a few seconds. Then it just went away instantly.

Today though I had to kill one more. A little different then the other one, but exactly the same just with out all the blood and gore. This time it was one of those psychological battles. The idea of being haunted by these little things, the effect it has on my everyday life, and the might to get over them were today's soldiers in sight. I killed this one also the same way, but the after effect is just starting to get to me slowly.

Tomorrow I'll probably have to fight one more. It seems like they're starting to win this war. I kill one almost every night, but they just keep on coming. They're relentless in their effort to completely scar me for life, who knows when this war will slowly begin to end.

1. list the original tagger(s) and list these rules on your blog.
2. share seven facts about yourself in the post - some random, some weird.
3. tag seven people at the end of your post by leaving their names and the links to their blogs.
4. let them know they’ve been tagged by leaving a comment on their blogs and/or twitter

Seven facts about me:

1) I have Indian roots. Okay, so here is the family tree in short: Mother's father was hardcore Russian, but grand-pops actually was a Romanian soldier in WWII, that fought against his own peeps. Grandma on my mom's side, full blown Romanian-- perty typical. Now my father's side is a bit more interesting. Grandpa on my dad's side was full bred Gypsy, as was his wife-- grandma. So Im Russian-Romanian-Gypsy, or since I speak Romanian, and consider myself more Gypsy than Russian or Romanian, maybe it's Gypsy-Romanian-Russian. Anyways, Gypsies actually orginated from India. So, I guess I'm sort of Indian also.

2) I'm addicted to books. I love books. Only thing is, I never read them. Okay, I do read some of them, but others--that I've been planning to read for over a year now-- are just collecting dust on my bookshelf. My favorite book right now is one that I've only read half way through, and have probably understood only 10% of. 

3) Don't know why, but I like Keanu Reeves' movies. Love the Matrix 1-3 for its philosophical undertones, and the horrible acting. I remember the first  "Keanu" movie I saw: Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. Yeah, it wasn't so excellent, but that's exactly what makes it excellent. More recently though, I liked him in Constantine, The Devil's Advocate, Dracula, et al.

4) I think way too much. One of the biggest problems I've got is I over think and analyze. I really need to stop doing that, cause after all thinking is an obstacle to being. See, I'm doing it again. And by saying I'm doing it again I'm still doing it!

5) I'm sort of an insomniac. You see, I'll go through cycles where I'll be able to sleep like nobody's business. Clock hits 11:30 and lights out, but then there will be just weeks straight where if I don't drug myself to sleep, I'll end up cursing the clock. Seriously, I've counted to over 10,000 while trying to sleep.

6)  My favorite animal(s) are great apes. I love each ape for different reasons. I love chimps because they can be real wild and rowdy. The alpha male gorilla cause he's just a G. Calm and collective, but extremely powerful. And the orangutan is the secluded intellectual.

7) I wish I was a race car driver. I got a need for speed, but drive a Prius.

So that's sort of me (sort of cause-- never mind)... So tag your now it!

Joseph Yi

First, this year I plan on thinking positive. That's right- one of my New Year's Resolutions this year is to be a positive thinker, but not only in terms of my own life, but in terms of others as well. I figure that if I can think positively, and that positivity is expressed to others, maybe their lives will improve. If their lives improve, maybe that positivity will be reciprocated, and hence improve my own life.  You see it's all one big circle, not a triangle.

I really do hope this is not original. I hope its something that other's will try also.

I'm so sick of people being critical for its entertainment value. Pointing out the flaws of other's just because its fun is like teasing for adults. In a way we are really hypocritical when we tell children not to tease, only to turn to our colleagues and make fun of the way they smile, dance, talk, etc... "Adult teasing" really doesn't add anything to anyone's lives. It only adds to the aura of negativity that paints us "never good enough", and degrades the relationships we have. So, in addition to positive thinking, this year I'm going to try to surround myself with positive people and positive things.

Those are the two big New Year's Resolutions I have this year. We'll see how I did a year from now.

I am so lost in my own head that I can't even write it all down. So much just want's to jump out and put itself out in the world, but in no particular order. So here it is. The chaos I'm going through right now. Nothing seems to be right or wrong. I'm completely discouraged, but at the same time extremely hopeful. I'm completely lonely, but at the same time surrounded by people who would help if they could. On top of that, everything around me is on fire--literally-- and no one or thing can save me. I'm choking from the smoke, and continue inhaling it because I'll pass out if I hold my breath any longer.

Out of all the days I've spent contemplating the different ways my life could have turnd out, I never would have imagined this. I have everything going for me, except for time and space. I'm too smart to be dellusional, but too hopeful to be realistic. I hate facing this ugly reality, this inferno in my head and world. 

Let it all burn, and finally be over.